Soulful Men: A New Culture of Masculinity

"Heroism is one of the shortest-lived professions there is."
Will Rogers

Initiative for change

On reaching their middle years (35 to 55) many men become disillusioned with their socially-approved masculine roles such as Provider, Protector, Rugged Individualist, Rescuer, Leader, Handy-Man, and Casanova. Trying to live up to these Super-hero roles becomes increasingly stressful and unfulfilling. Often a major crisis occurs such as an illness, marriage break-up, accident, redundancy, death of a loved one, financial disaster, or losing the dreams of one's youth. This crisis is usually accompanied by extreme discomfort and existential angst, which may result in serious health problems, depression and even suicide.

I experienced such a crisis about twelve years ago when I became the full-time house-husband and parent of our youngest child whilst my partner became the 'bread-winner'. On top of this some health problems forced me to severely reduce all the outdoors pursuits I loved. As a result I slowly became dispirited and disillusioned with my life. I found myself asking the existential questions: What does it mean to be a man in this situation? What is the purpose of my life? Who am 'I'? What is my relationship to soul and spirit? I yearned for a greater sense of purpose and meaning, and a deeper connection to myself, family and friends. I realised that very few of the skills I had developed to be successful in my former achievement-focussed life, apart from perseverance, were going to help me in this inner journey. Instead, I needed to develop the courage to express my true thoughts and feelings, to develop my capacities for tenderness, nurturing and compassion, and to discover my authentic self. The time had come for the inner journey into my own depths. I needed to understand the heroic aspects of the archetypical male, and re-integrate these in a more life-enriching way. My wife had the wisdom, as wives often do, to encourage (or push!) me to undertake this journey, by suggesting that I attend a course for men and join a men's group.

The hollowness of the super-hero role

The all-conquering hero wants to be seen as the coolest, toughest guy in town; a heroic fighter, adventurer or achieve, always in control. He tries to accomplish this with feats of daring and bravery, climbing the highest mountain, making a million dollars, being the fastest, the bravest fighter or making it to the top in his chosen field. These socially-accepted, stereotypical forms of masculinity are portrayed, promoted and perpetuated in the stories and myths of our families and wider cultures. They can be limiting, rigid and soul destroying. They are not what are needed to find the inner fulfillment and wholeness that most men eventually yearn for. What is required is the journey into one's soul or psyche, the inner hero's quest of finding, facing and finally integrating one's 'shadow' side.

Cultivating Soul and Spirit

One of the great tasks of personal development is to discover and build a connection with one's spirit. Spirituality is about opening ourselves to experience the awesome mystery of life and trusting the intuitive sense that divine love, creativity and intelligence do exist. Unfortunately many people have lost touch with the spiritual dimension, within themselves and the universe at large. This separation or alienation may lead to feelings of confusion, loss of direction, hopelessness and depression.

The eventual aim of the inner journey is to discover one's true Self - the one who remains after all the layers of family conditioning and social expectations have been exposed, examined and freely chosen or let go of. Realising and integrating this 'higher' Self must also involve the discovery of, and development of our connection to, our souls and spirits. The Oxford dictionary defines the soul as: "… the moral, emotional, intellectual part of man - the psyche … the spiritual or immaterial aspect …". Spirit is defined as: "…the animating or vital principle, the essence of a person … the life force, vital spark, immaterial aspect …the higher qualities of the mind and soul, especially as acted upon by God."

According to Schoenmaker (1992) we are: "… triune beings consisting of body, soul and spirit". The body is that which pertains to our physical existence, the laws of nature and our life and death. The soul or psyche is made up of our mind (conscious and unconscious) and emotions and is that which allows us to experience life. The spirit is the aspect of us that is connected to the divine and is not tied to the body. In this model the soul is seen as the mediator, or gateway, to one's spirit.

Soul and spirit are like the Chinese Yin/Yang concept. In one dimension, sometimes characterised as 'masculine', they are being expressed through our spontaneity, our life-force reaching out to the world, discovering the meaning and purpose of existence. In the other, so-called 'feminine' dimension they connect us to our creativity, the earth, sensuality and receptivity. Both must be present, in a finely-balanced dynamic unity. Cultivating this connection with our souls and spirits requires that we learn to slow down and shift our focus to different priorities. Whilst we will still need to earn a living we can choose to do this in ways that are more rewarding in terms of creativity, enjoyment and fulfillment. We can ensure that we have time to enjoy our loved ones, take up creative hobbies and enjoy the beauty of such things as natural world, art, poetry or music.

Men's work

Working with other men, either in counselling, mentoring or in groups, has been key to my personal and professional development. They provided a safe place where I was able to be more open and honest and learn that there are many healthy and positive ways of being a man. This new culture of masculinity is based on self discovery, expressing one's feelings, speaking one's truth, respect for difference, honest feedback, celebration, and playfulness. Experiencing this has stirred something long forgotten in me - the desire to be fully alive, real and intimate with myself, and also with other men.

By going on the inner hero's journey, grappling, facing, and dealing with the dragons and demons I found inside, I have returned triumphant with the 'treasure' of greater self-awareness and understanding of who I am and what is really important to me.

Find a guide; find support

Archetypes (Super-hero, Silent Loner and Rugged Individualist for example), which encourage men to be tough, emotionally repressed, competitive and power-driven, are becoming increasingly inadequate and out-dated. In order for men to grow and develop into fully integrated, creative beings, they must become aware of and re-evaluate the largely unconsciously-held archetypal ideas of what it means to be male. The crisis/change process is likely to begin close to a man's midlife, once sufficient maturation has occurred. Fundamental to this evolution is the recognition and development of his relationship to his soul and spirit. This can be difficult to do alone.

The challenge for the emerging masculine culture is to support men to discover, express and integrate all aspects of their beings. In the process men learn that not only can they be strong, assertive and competent, but also vulnerable and tender, supportive and nurturing, sensitive and sensual, egalitarian and co-operative. I encourage all men, if they haven't already, to experience this different kind of hero's journey with the help of an experienced male 'guide'. This may be undertaken in either individual mentoring or counseling, or in a group of men set up for the purpose of personal development. I am happy to talk to you about the various courses, workshops and support groups that are available in most cities and larger towns in New Zealand. We can put you in touch with networks elsewhere, if you need help.

© Simon Jones, 2005

E: Simon@EncourageMentors.com

"We must transcend the notion of our separateness from each other in space and time…", and realise, "…that in essence we are of the one being, one ground; and experience the truth of going outside of ourselves in the rapture of love."   (Joseph Campbell,1972)

References

CAMPBELL, Joseph. (1964) The Masks Of God: Creative Mythology. Penguin Books, NY
      - (1988), With Bill Moyers. The Power of Myth. Anchor Books, NY.
      - (1972) Myths To Live By. Viking Press, New York.
GARFINKEL, Perry. (1985) In A Man's World. Mentor Books. NY.
HILLMAN, James. (1996) The Soul's Code: In Search of Character and Calling. Random House, NY.
HOLLIS, James. (1987) Under Saturn's Shadow. Inner City Publ. New York.
HOPCKE, Robert. (1990) Men's Dreams, Men's Healing. Shambhala, London.
JOHNSON, Robert A. (1974) He: Understanding Male Psychology. Harper and Rowe, NY
FRANKL, Victor. (1984) Man's Search For Meaning (revised edition). Washington Square Press, NY.
MAZIS, G.A. (1993) The Trickster, Magician & Grieving Man. Bear & Co. Santa Fe
MOORE, Thomas. (1992) Care Of The Soul. HarperCollins, NY
OSHERSON, Samuel. (1992) Wrestling With Love: How Men Struggle With Intimacy. Fawcett Columbine Books.
ROBINSON, John. (1995) Death of the Hero, Birth of the Soul.
SCHOENMAKER, Mario. (1992) Metaphysics In Action. ICA Press, Melb. AUST
TARNAS, Richard. (1991) The Passion of the Western Mind. Random House, NY.

Select and contact a Mentor if you'd like to discuss these ideas or want support to make progress with your own issues.

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