Managing Depression and Despondency

(Progress in Five Chapters)

I used to believe I had no choice about becoming depressed; that it was a feature of my genetic make-up, my moodily melancholic Welsh and anxiously alarmist Spanish parents. There was always a "trigger" and usually someone else I could blame for pulling it.

When I was 18 years old, someone wrote of me, "Tends to despondency in the face of adversity". It was an ugly observation I thought, and it rankled. But it was accurate and a challenge I was determined to meet. It took some years to understand how to, and much hard work and courage beyond that.

It's clear to me now, that when depressed I would behave as though past and future are real. They were often my focus and my mind would keep brooding over what I had done and what others had done to me; what I would or may do and what others would or may do to me; how much I differed from people who were, unlike me, "OK people"; how unlikely it was that I'd ever be anything other than a failure, at least in my own eyes; or how pointless any forward movement seemed to be.

Gradually I came to realise it is not past and future that are real, but my brooding on the past and the future that was real. If I could withdraw my attention from these two things, many of my problems would simply dissolve.

As I practised this I saw that I had free choice about what I felt or sensed, because I always have choices about my thinking and focus. I understood that my senses were the servants of my consciousness. If they were unruly, clamouring for what was unhealthy, unwise or misery-making, it was because they'd been badly raised. They were unschooled. Gradually, my exasperated "I can't help it!" became an inquiry of my consciousness, "Why do you behave so badly? What are you focused on that is causing such unhappiness?"

I've now spent some years training my discrimination to be the benevolent manager of my senses. When I remember to do this, the process never lets me down and I have their complete, happy cooperation. It hasn't come easily and I still need to practise vigilance - especially when a relationship issue mimics one in my younger life ("pushing my buttons" as we say, as though stimulus and reaction are hard-wired and out of control) or when my senses tell me I need more food or less exercise than my body can easily deal with.

Our senses are used to being stimulated all the time and it's no wonder we get caught in the idea that happiness lies in indulging them. A lot of vital energy is trapped in living out this belief.

How could I possibly have believed that my happiness lay in becoming miserable . . ? (Good question. Glad you asked.) Because misery had become a familiar place, more comfortable and seemingly safer than making changes. I had learned very well how to decide to dig a drain, climb inside and polish the sides until it was very difficult to extricate myself. From there it was also easy to blame other people and become a powerless victim: it wasn't my fault! The prospect of change was frightening. I had yet to learn that my fears obscure great learning opportunities, realised by boldly turning to face them.

For many people, the first choice involved in depression is to live unaware of our mental processes, our beliefs, the values we hold because of what we believe, and the ways we make resulting choices about our actions.

The second is to keep choosing what we're comfortable with, to repeat what we've always done rather than change. Depression and misery can be such comfortably familiar places that we keep returning there. Like interrupting any obsession, depression may be hard to break but doing so is a relatively simple process. From personal experience I know that simplicity often isn't easy.

This "Progress in Four Chapters" (adapted from an unknown source) describes the simple stages many people have found are involved in overcoming depression:

Chapter One

I walk down a street. There is a deep hole in it. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole. I pretend I haven't seen it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole. I see it there. I still fall in - it's a habit. But my eyes are open. I know where I am. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole. I walk round it.

Chapter Five

I walk down a different street.

Modifying our tendencies to depression may be simple but the process may resemble one of those jokes about changing light-bulbs: the light-bulb has to want the change. Really want to. Deeply and earnestly. As Sheldon Kopp says, "Most people don't want to change and most of those who say that they do, don't want to really; they just want to be helped to stay exactly as they are, to become happier neurotics." It was very hard for me to admit that was true of me.

Having some skilled support can be useful but you may be able to make very significant change on your own. Like any other problem we wish to solve, it is useful to identify the causes and to then selectively eliminate causes, one step at a time. The priorities will differ from individual to individual.

The key seems to be sharpening-up our self-awareness to become experts on ourselves and our own internal processes. There's nothing mysterious about them. Gazillions of authors and researchers can help make us well aware of our thought and feeling processes, of how we make choices and how we lead ourselves into depression. There are centres, courses, workshops, surveys, online support, and a host of practitioners available to lend support. These are issues which we at EncourageMentors work with - online, by telephone or in person - with our clients.

I have enjoyed and find very helpful, authors who write about "living consciously" or "paying attention" and teach practices for greater self-awareness. For me, Pema Chödrön's books have been very useful for this: When Things Fall Apart, The Wisdom of No Escape, Start Where You Are, and The Places That Scare You, for example. You'll find other references in our article about paying attention to our thinking processes: Attitudinal Agriculture. See also my review of Kay Redfield Jamison's book on Exuberance, Enthusiasm and Leadership, in our ezine, Encouraging Progress.

In relation to interpersonal communication processes, (including conflict resolution and problem-solving processes), I recommend my own work in Hear and Be Heard (the workbook and guidebook) for its focus on discovering and altering the attitudinal bases of the behaviours we use for relating to others. See our website for details.

I have created a habit of reading what I call "contemplative reading" from what I call a "five minute chapter" book of some kind most nights just before I sleep, as part of developing and maintaining awareness of what's important. Whatever we give our attention to is strengthened.

NOT changing my inclination to depression amounts to laziness on my part. I don't enjoy it. I don't like who I think I am when I am depressed. I don't enjoy other people's misery and don't like seeing others affected by my own negativity. So, I resolve to be different.

One step at a time.

Select and contact a Mentor if you'd like to discuss these ideas or want support to make progress with your own issues.

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