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How Are You feeling?
Why is there is so little spoken acknowledgement in dialogue, of what we know to be others' emotional states?
Feelings often constitute the bulk of what we want others to hear. But even when it is entirely obvious that emotional content exceeds logical content, listeners mostly acknowledge the logical component and criticise it when it is flawed. When we express worry, alarm, concern, upset, frustration or annoyance (for instance), it is comparatively rare for others to intentionally reflect our emotions by acknowledging them aloud to show we are heard and understood.
As listeners, we react to anger defensively or with our own hostility rather than simply acknowledge the angry feelings are part of the speaker's problem. Given opportunities to listen, we make it "about us" and listen to ourselves instead.
The result? Unsafe assumptions are made about meanings and intentions. Problems are buried; frustration spills over into anger; anxiety is suppressed; feelings are unheard and disregarded in problem-solving; differences become complex conflicts; communication becomes convoluted; feedback becomes challenging to give because it is often so poorly received.
It's not as though it is difficult to register another person's feelings. Most of us easily and routinely register a great many. Simon Baron-Cohen has worked from a thousands-long list of (English) words used to describe emotions and winnowed out the synonyms to arrive at a smaller collection of unique emotional states - four hundred and twelve of them!
[You can see and hear each of these 412 feelings demonstrated on a DVD which is sampled on the Mind-Reading website (see link at end). Professor Baron-Cohen has conducted extensive research into autism at the psychological, diagnostic and neuroscientific levels.]Natural and automatic
Baron-Cohen and other researchers into brain functioning have established that recognition of emotional expression is one of the fundamental mind-reading systems your brain routinely runs any time you interact with other people. Unless we are autistic, it seems we are always "reading" other people's emotions. We monitor gaze, recognise emotional facial expressions, and monitor speech intonation carefully for emotional nuance. We automatically put ourselves in other people's mental shoes - running in effect, a mini-simulation of someone else's brain functioning to anticipate how the other person might feel.
These biological traits start early in life: two-month-old infants engage in some of them. It takes careful training, or massive distraction, to stop your mind from inferring other people's mental states as you talk to them and they talk to us.
My own work in this field over 20 years has shown that the competencies required for greater empathic listening in which we acknowledge both the rational and emotional content of communication in dialogue are within the grasp of most people and when acquired, make a vast improvement to relationships. It is the fastest, most efficient form of listening.Assess and improve your practices
Some technical proficiency is easily grasped, and once we learn how to deal with our defensive and retaliatory urges, we can significantly reduce any willingness to "become upset because the other person is upset". Even when we do react (because of strong fight-flight patterning associated with early trauma) we can learn to recover faster from this and give a more considered, more constructive response sooner.
How well do you hear, understand and reflect others' feelings? How do you know? Get an objective analysis of your own proficiency by taking the Heard and Be Heard programme. Available in many options: the simplest involves purchase of the Hear and Be Heard Workbook and Guidebook. Before you receive them you will be asked to complete some questions whose analysis (in the Workbook) will provide you with many very useful insights into your interpersonal communication practices.Link to website: Mind-Reading, the interactive guide to emotions.
© Copyright 2002 - 2007 Tom Watkins Group. All rights reserved.
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