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Ain't It Awful
They sat near me on an early morning flight, three sharply-dressed people, sufficiently loud, articulate and interesting for me to pay some attention to their conversation. Mid-level managers in a high-tech industry, I figured. Over the next 50 minutes they agreed, repeatedly, that they could be vastly more effective if it weren't for their staff, colleagues, senior managers and clients who, in various creative ways, stuffed up and impeded their progress. Yes, this was definitely an Ain't It Awful group.
Most organisations have them and they're more prevalent in some than others. They can form anywhere at any time at all levels of seniority, in pairs or larger arrangements, no matter what the group's original purpose for meeting. The predominant theme is consensus that we could be more successful, happy and achieving if it wasn't for those appalling SOB's and pathetic individuals who get in our way. Wherever Ain't it awful groups exist you can be confident that certain things are going on in the lives of their members and certain conditions are present in their organisations.
Self-victimisation
Imagine three concentric circles describing the various degrees of power and autonomy you have over your situation. Within the central circle is an area for "Things over which I have complete autonomy and control"; within the next, "Things I have the ability to influence though not control". The outer circle encompasses "Things I have no ability to influence or control in any way".
Ain't it awful groups worry and complain about things in the outer circle (that they cannot change) and things in the second circle that they could influence but choose not to. Consequently, they make themselves miserable while blaming other people for the effects, not understanding or bringing to consciousness their own part in the creation of their problems. It's not that these behaviours waste time: they kill time by spreading (like a computer virus) distortion, helplessness, anxiety, negativity and hopelessness. They sap strength and tenacity rather than encourage it. The process encourages self-victimisation: it is exactly the opposite of an empowering "support" group.
Support groups are different
Participants in a useful support group are challenged to practice self-responsibility, to carefully define their problems, establish and begin eliminating the causes. A support group reminds its members of three things:
- The practice of self-responsibility begins with recognition that we are responsible for our own existence.
- This requires willingness to generate all the causes of all the effects we want in our lives; and
- If we need others' cooperation in pursuit of our goals, we must provide them with reasons that are meaningful in terms of their own interests and needs.
A support group challenges, "What are you going to do about it?" It asks, "Where and when will you start?" and offers, "How can we best support your progress?"
Origins of Ain't it awful groups
There are many reasons for the existence of Ain't it awful groups. Conventional parenting, conventional schooling, the predominant arrangement of power in organisations, the seduction of self-victimisation and the tendency for misery to enjoy company, all contribute. Talkback radio probably does much to ensure they flourish.
Conventional parenting and conventional schooling take overmuch responsibility for development away from the child. Adults set the development targets, the curriculum and criteria of competence. They design the agenda, arrange the lessons, measure progress and issue pass/fail judgements. The consequences are, to one degree or another, irresponsibility, inability to self-assess, learned helplessness and negative expectations of power and control. When individuals take these into the life of hierarchical organisations, they automatically intensify the politics (the arrangement of power) especially those aspects of it that operate against self-responsibility.
No matter how flat, all hierarchies by definition represent an unequal distribution of power that depends on the willingness of people to (a) exercise power over others; (b) yield it to a few; or (c) do both. The inevitable effects of the arrangement include varying degrees of competitiveness, tension, frustration, resentment, boredom and apathy, depending on where we are situated in the hierarchy, our personalities and our aspirations.
The focus of Ain't it awful groups often includes what it is about hierarchies that cannot be controlled: the arrangement of power and its natural consequences. It would be more realistic to acknowledge these features as some of the things we have no ability to influence other than by accepting others' control of us, becoming more powerful within the organisation (so as to have more control over others or to better share power) or by transferring to a organisation run as an semi-autonomous anarchic collective. (You could try the Royal Australasian Society of Anarchists.)
Misery likes company. Very many people have developed habits of joining-in, colluding with, supporting and in some cases revelling in negativity, complaint and gossip. These are often linked to habits of self-victimisation. Ain't it awful groups serve these habits well, each participant adding to each others' sense of righteous indignation, possession of talents that are constantly disregarded or overlooked, and struggle against widespread malevolence, stupidity and conspiracy.
"Most folk are about as happy as they choose to be."
Start here: find your own part in the problem, and change it
Our reactions and attitudes to the situations in which we find ourselves are entirely within our power to control. We can start by learning to understand our own part in what we find unsettling or challenging about our circumstances, by finding answers to this question: What am I choosing to believe, think, feel or do that contributes to this being a problem for me? In your answers lie "the beginning of wisdom" and the power to change negative situations. Through this process we can become better self-managers.
We might make attitudinal changes by first learning more about our thinking and thought processes, and altering any tendencies towards self-victimisation. For example, instead of giving away more personal power than is asked for or required, (which is what Ain't it awful groups do), we can establish exactly what it is we have traded in return for paid work, hold the boundaries represented by that agreement, and teach others to respect them.
We can monitor and improve our relationship-management and problem-solving behaviours, especially those to do with confronting conflict, resolving differences, giving feedback (especially upwards feedback) and requesting behaviour changes. No matter what the nature of a relationship, we can learn and implement better relationship-management practices.
These (and many other) steps towards progress require no-one's permission but our own.
If you're a manager or leader, start here
Managers and leaders can do a great deal to neutralise the damaging effects of Ain't it awful groups by methodically empowering and enabling their usual participants.
You might learn more about developing cohesion, and how to increase commitment through increasing collaboration. No-one enjoys being left out of decision-making that affects their daily existence or their future. Minimise this tendency. Maximise involvement in problem-solving, decision-making and planning wherever possible, to maximise commitment to solutions, decisions and plans.
Managers and leaders can de-mystify their management, leadership and decision-making processes by making them transparent and therefore less anxiety-provoking. They should first clarify them for themselves (a major, first step for many managers and leaders) and aim at their consistent application.
You can make it easier, safer and more constructive for others to provide you with feedback on the quality of your management and leadership practices. Many tools exist for this to be done quickly and safely: we provide a range of them.
You could reduce others' fear of giving direct feedback and reporting their perceptions directly, by learning to become a better listener.
You can help strengthen others' ability to give constructive feedback by making appropriate tutoring, coaching and development programmes available to them.
© Copyright 2002 - 2007 Tom Watkins Group. All rights reserved.
Select and contact a Mentor if you'd like to discuss these ideas or want support to make progress with your own issues.
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