Create more of the experiences you want this year

Those who don't study the past will repeat its errors;
those who do study it will find other ways to err.
Charles Wolf Jr.

Déjà vu all over again

For the group of local and international holiday-makers kayaking in one of New Zealand's fiords at 7am on New Year's Day everything seemed possible and last year's challenges simply good reasons for exciting prospects of change. But before the morning was over, some were already preparing for re-entry to "the real world" and the recurring problems that had dulled their enjoyment of the previous year. Discussion turned to a focus on what people had found most challenging.

Most of our group agreed with the summary of one of them, a senior manager from Germany: "Too often it was like pushing gravy uphill with a rake. It isn't the job that's difficult; it's the people!" There was general agreement that work would be easier if people-management wasn't such a challenge:

• "If only people were not so difficult . . critical . . thin-skinned . . immature . . bullying . . argumentative . . reactive . . opposed to change . . passively unquestioning . . petty . . easily upset . . mistrustful . . untrustworthy . . one-eyed . . blinkered . . concerned with being "right", with not upsetting anyone, polishing their egos, protecting their own image or their backsides . . . "
  
  
• "If only managers were more realistic, considerate, honest and straightforward or knew how to manage."
  
  
• "If only leaders knew what they were doing and could actually lead . . ."

There was general agreement that observations such as these could easily have been made about the previous year and about the year before that.

The consensus was too, that although most of us had hoped to avoid the flurry of furious activity, hastily-concluded projection or incompletion that had marked the closing months of previous years, we'd pretty much found ourselves just as stressed out towards the end of the last: overtaken yet again by recycled problems, mismanaged priorities, avoidable crises, emergencies and relationship struggles. Same old same old.

Hmmm, enough of that. There's a limit to how much "reality" can be considered on New Year's morning. Time for breakfast and some solitary reflection later in the day. Would this New Year be another de déjà vu all over again for me too? What was important for me to remember at times like this? Ah yes, those challenging questions . . .

Learn from last year and plan for this one

How well did you learn from what happened last year? What did your experiences reveal of your character and your need for development? Do you accept and will you take responsibility for creating the experiences you want? How can you transform the challenges you will inevitably face this year into satisfying experiences of productive self-development? What will you need to do to inspire and motivate others whose support you need?

Without care, everyday experiences pass through our intellectual systems as segmented happenings and separate memories; we have the experience but miss the meaning. We are thus destined to repeat those experiences, in one form or another, without development or change, until we do understand their meaning.

By deliberately setting out to learn from everyday events and happenings, we can find significance, themes, patterns, meaning, wisdom and universal laws in our experiences. The sequence of reflection, study and testing our observations helps us make connections and provides insights we can connect with other knowledge (synthesis). The outcomes of this process become relevant then, to designing strategy for realising our intentions in the year ahead.

I have taught myself to make regular appointments with myself by scheduling time with my mentor every few weeks. Additionally, I keep a much longer an appointment with myself over a few days each January for some disciplined reflection to distil from my previous year's experience. Asking What? So what? and Now what? is a way of making sure I avoid merely having the experience: I want to learn from it, too and plan to introduce changes.

This process has so far been very useful: I get a lot of clarity about my personal and professional strategic intentions. This year I've created a three-word screen-saver that summarises the outcomes - three themes to focus my mind on what is really important. I don't expect to completely change my personality, but I do plan to start with myself. Get in touch with me if you'd like information about the process.

Often, it comes down to the quality of our interactions

Time and again last year I find that whatever purpose, development or improvement I attempt anywhere, sooner or later requires me to interact with others and eventually depends on the quality of those interactions. That quality, in turn, depends on my ability to represent myself respectfully and to help others do the same.

Constructive interactions have a basis of confidence, self-respect and an ability to treat others with integrity and dignity no matter how they behave: successful relationships can proceed from nothing else. This is simple commonsense but radically different from common practice. If, for example, you deal with your needs when asked if you'd like a drink by saying as many people commonly do, "Only if you're having one . . ", you may not represent yourself respectfully elsewhere, over more important issues. If you tend to describe what others sometimes say to you as "insulting", "pathetic", "rude" or "inconsiderate", you may have difficultly helping others to represent themselves adequately.

How constructive are your interpersonal communication, relationships-management and dialogue skills? How do you know?

The most valuable encouragement you may ever have

It takes discipline and patience to undo old habits and create new patterns in the quest for constructive relationships, dialogue and interactions. Courage too. Here's a cost-effective and readily-accessible form of support (for individuals, teams and groups) on this topic:

Hear and Be Heard is a map of the territory and practical guide to managing interpersonal effectiveness. A client described it as " ... a most productive and empowering programme that deals sensitively with the freight of old habits, beliefs and feelings, while teaching alternative practices that really work!"

Hear and Be Heard may be studied from our guidebook and complemented by a workbook, a 360 degree survey process and informal mentoring. It can be conducted in-house as a four-day skills-training programme over three weeks. You may simply buy the Guidebook and Workbook as a set and forego other support.

As many clients have said in one form or another ... "This is the programme we all should have been able to take - years ago."

Select and contact a Mentor for more information about Hear and Be Heard.

Tip of the week: responding to hostility or negativity

It's easy to notice and demonstrate that faced with others' hostility, sarcasm, harshly-given negative judgements or poorly-formulated negative feedback (for example), people often decide they own the problem, not the original speaker, then react with Fight or Flight.

Appropriate decisions about "problem ownership" can help us to see a different perspective, in which others are calling for help or understanding rather than attacking us. Once this view is taken it is easier to remain calm and to access the listening, problem-clarifying or self-expressive skills almost everyone possesses, however unrefined or imperfect. If we decide instead that we are under attack, those skills are out of our reach.

This does not mean that we must put up with others' forms of expression where we find them difficult or damaging: but when they are in the middle of their own distress, needing to be heard and understood is usually not the time to make a own point about their behaviour. It's a matter of learning not to shoot ourselves in the foot: when they are not able to hear us they will not listen. Once they have been heard, they will be more likely to listen.

When in doubt, listen first to understand before trying to be understood. Unaided, in the face of conflict or poorly-expressed differences, this can be extraordinarily challenging for those of us (most of us) who learned different habits. Hear and Be Heard is designed to overcome those habits.

Without deviation, progress is not possible. Frank Zappa

Tom Watkins

Feedback? Questions? Discussion?

Select and contact a Mentor if you'd like to discuss these ideas or want support to make progress with your own issues.

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